WOW

I suck at keeping blogs.

I'm not real sure why. I even have the app on my phone to blog with! LOL Oh well. I'll just start up again! It's only April 4th!

As far as my List goes- I think i've accomplished one or 2 of those things...

#11 Start a savings account....Done. I have enough money in there to cover my National Certification exam in June and almost enough to cover my state licensing! So that's 2 things I wont have to worry about!

#39. Wear earrings every day for 1 month..... done. 


#75. Have my PC fixed.... well I attempted this one. I had it looked at and it turns out the mother board and power supply were both fried. SUCK.  But i got a new laptop instead. Now I can actually get online and have no excuse not to blog. Even though I really had no excuse before. 

now.... # 30- Do a detox/cleanse... I'm actually getting ready to start one tomorrow. I have the 14 day organic total body cleanse by Renew Life.

A friend of mine has done it and she felt great afterward. God knows I need to clean the crap out of my system. I went to the grocery store tonight to purchase a few healthier food items to get me through the rest of the week.  I wont be eating all organic or whole foods because i just cant afford to at this moment. But I will be eating much better choices.... more fruits and veggies and light on the meat portions. it's time to get myself straightened out.

I graduate from school on April 29th and I'm nowhere near where i wanted to be by now. So I'm hoping that by doing this cleanse It will throw me back on the weight loss track. I really want to get myself back there. I was feeling SO good this time last year when i was losing all that weight and looking and feeling great! i've gained back half or more of what I lost. It's so stupid.

It's completely frustrating to be back at this place and feeling like this. I don't know how i can let myself stay so off course.

So here I am, back again and starting AGAIN with weight loss. But oh well.  As long as i don't stop trying, I haven't failed! 

I will post again tomorrow about day 1 of the 14 day cleanse! :)

PS- I have no idea how to get that section off of bold. LOL I've tried everything.... I give up!

Beautiful

Heard this in class today.

The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
(Canadian Teacher and Author)

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.


© 1995 by Oriah House, From "Dreams Of Desire"
Published by Mountain Dreaming


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Feeling 14 and kind of sad tonight.

So- If you follow me on Facebook, you can probably tell that I'm feeling a little nostalgic tonight.  I've been watching old music videos.
It is so funny to see how much my musical tastes have varied at different stages of my life. Tevin Cambpell, SWV, X-scape, Shai, Jodeci, Brandy, New Edition, Blackstreet, All 4 One, Brian McKnight, Toni Braxton, Blackstreet.
They all take me back to about 14-16. LOL Then I Found some old friends on facebook from that time.
I have had some really great times in my life. I used to have SO much fun.

Sad thing is...I'm realizing I haven't had fun like that in a very very long time. In middle school and High school..and even up to about 24... I had some great times.

I know this has to do with the fact that I've become SO insecure with myself and my weight.... I don't remember when it happened. I've been over weight since about the 9th grade...But a few years out of high school it really started soaring and I slowly started becoming more and more insecure and introverted. I started just hanging out with my very closest friends and not going to places where there were lots of ppl.

And I used to have TONS of  guy friends. Most of my friends were guys all the way up thru high school.
I don't really have any now. Not that I hang out with or talk to on a regular basis. And it's because I've become so afraid of being judged that I shy away from them.
Hell- I don't even have the friends I used to have. I suppose this has to do with growing up. You grow apart from people. I just haven't managed to replace them with new ones. LOL

I know its all because I'm so insecure and i just don't put myself out there any more.

I fear that my fear of people may be irreversible. I hope that's not true. I hope that once I FINALLY get this weight down that the old me will start to shine through again! I miss being genuinely happy and silly and out going like i once was. Now I hate walking across a crowded restaurant to find the bathroom for fear that people are looking at me and judging.
God. Don't let me stay like that. I used to just skip across rooms...i didn't care and i never even THOUGHT of other ppl around me looking at me. I mean.. i did.. in high school.. every one did.. but it didn't debilitate me like it does now.
I mean- I fake it well.. I'm not agoraphobic or anything like that.I'll walk across that room. But I'm completely uncomfortable the entire time.

It all just pretty much sucks.
And THIS is why  I want to lose this weight  I am GOING TO Lose this weight. I'm sick of feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin. I want to go back to being that care free happy girl who talked to anyone and everyone that crossed her path and never turned down an invite somewhere.

Anyway. I'm working on it. If you've gotten this far THANK YOU for reading, I know it was a lot.

Today went well.
Had Pancakes for Breakfast with a cold glass of skim milk.
That was a late breakfast- like 11:30. So I didn't eat anything else until dinner around 5:30 or so.
We had Pork chops, Green beans, and some au grautin potatoes. I didn't go overboard on any of it and only had one helping of everything.

Gym time was pretty awesome. I did 20 minutes = 1 mile and 215 calories burned
Then I did 25 Mins on the Elliptical = just over 2 miles and 370 cals burned.

Total : 45 minutes, 3 miles and 585 calories burned.
I also drank all my water today!

I will have a loss on Monday.

Anyhoo- Thank you so much for reading. I really appreciate anyone who took the time to read this whole thing!

Snow day!

Happy Wednesday!
Well New England got another nice snow storm over night and most of today. It was pretty beautiful.
I only say this because I didnt have to go out into it at all! haha

Anyhoo- as far as weight loss goes- Today was an ok day. For breakfast I had two buscuits, 2 scrambled eggs, and 2 peices of bacon.
That was around 11:00

We snacked on homemade chex mix and ranchy oyster crackers through out the afternoon.

Then for dinner we had frozen pizza.
So not an insanely healthy day. But don't feel like I went overboard with anything.

I drank PLENTY of water today.

The only negative? No gym today. But thats ok. I will be sure and go tomorrow. My car doesn't do snow storms. LOL

So, while, the things i did eat today weren't probably the best choices- I feel like I was in control and didn't go overboard.

I worked on a new chart for my weight loss efforts last night. I kind of love it. It's on purple poster board and it has the quote from BenDoesLife "All you  have to do is do it." across the top.... super cute.
I'm tracking my weigh in each Monday, along with my water consumption, workouts, and eating efforts daily. So that should really help me stay on track!
I will post a picture of it when i figure out how to do that.
I tried posting a pic from todays snow but it kept saying "Server rejected", so i gave up! lol

OK for now- I am way more tired than I realized so I'm gonna end here.

Hope everyone's having a great week!

Sweet Dreams!
<3

Gym =Done

20 mins on the treadmill with the incline varying between 8 and 10 and speeds varying between 2.7 and 3.2 mph.
1 mile and 260 cals burned

23 mins on AMT machine
1.75 miles and approximate 300 cals burned (I don't remember the exact #! lol)



Now time for shower and some Sims 3!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

1/11/11

I'm 11 days into the new year and still the same weight I was at the beginning....

I suck.

I started off pretty well.. then of course sunk right back into crap eating and not going to the gym.

This week I am on Vacation and I'm going to get myself back into gear.I just had some cereal for breakfast and as soon as I finish this Blog I'm going right to the gym. I am going to go every dayfor the rest of this  week. I need to make it habbit again. I keep going 1 day and then not going again. IDK what the deal is.

I'm SO MOTIVATED when I'm reading blogs or watching peoples video's or talking to friends about weight loss. Then it's like it just goes away the minute I'm done reading/watching/talking.

I'm going to fake it til I make it. That's what I've decided. I'm going to just start making better choices and make myself go to the gym at least 3 to 4 days a week.... For this week I'm going to to Every day from now to Sunday just to force it back into myself. Last year i was LOVING the gym. and i know that I love how it makes me feel when i'm going regularly. But for some reason I'm stopping myself!

I know that I can easily get myself down to 200 if i just stick to it! My sister and I are working on doing four 3-500 calorie meals throughout the day. Thats what we were doing last year at this time and it was totally working. So we are going back to that... and the gym.
Mentality is Key. If i could just get my mind back in the place it was a year ago. I am so pissed off at how easy it was to go back into old habits. I really thought I had it this time. I really thought that by now I'd be at goal or getting damned close to it. I should be. There is no excuse for me sitting her at  260 lbs.

Rediculous.

I'm not giving up.

So- Here goes...
Attempt number 932873425209877893245 at getting back on track.

I'm off to the gym.
Happy Tuesday!

OK so...

It's Friday, Jan 7th, 2011 (would you believe that I just typed 2009...wtf.)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MONICA!!

I dont know if she'll even read that. lol But whatever. It's out there!

This week has not been very good weight loss wise. I'm having a hard time getting myself together. I've run  hot and cold all week with it!
I've been on YouTube tonight watching lots of Weight Loss Vlogs and on BenDoesLife.com finding my inspiration and motivation.

This weekend is Damage control.... I weigh in on Monday morning. So i should be able to get myself down at least a fraction of a lb by then. LOL I will just be very careful with what goes into my body, be completely anal about drinking my water and being active for the weekend.

I am off work all next week and the theme for the next 10 days that I am off will be:  "GETTING MY ASS IN GEAR".

I'm tired of screwing around and complaining about how i can't find my Mojo.

"If you want to do it, all you have to do is do it" - Ben Davis (BenDoesLife.com) Love this dude. For real.

Don't know who he is?  Go watch this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SbXgQqbOoU

This is the most inspirational video you'll ever see. Well if not- It's pretty damned close to it.

Well...That's it.