Feeling 14 and kind of sad tonight.

So- If you follow me on Facebook, you can probably tell that I'm feeling a little nostalgic tonight.  I've been watching old music videos.
It is so funny to see how much my musical tastes have varied at different stages of my life. Tevin Cambpell, SWV, X-scape, Shai, Jodeci, Brandy, New Edition, Blackstreet, All 4 One, Brian McKnight, Toni Braxton, Blackstreet.
They all take me back to about 14-16. LOL Then I Found some old friends on facebook from that time.
I have had some really great times in my life. I used to have SO much fun.

Sad thing is...I'm realizing I haven't had fun like that in a very very long time. In middle school and High school..and even up to about 24... I had some great times.

I know this has to do with the fact that I've become SO insecure with myself and my weight.... I don't remember when it happened. I've been over weight since about the 9th grade...But a few years out of high school it really started soaring and I slowly started becoming more and more insecure and introverted. I started just hanging out with my very closest friends and not going to places where there were lots of ppl.

And I used to have TONS of  guy friends. Most of my friends were guys all the way up thru high school.
I don't really have any now. Not that I hang out with or talk to on a regular basis. And it's because I've become so afraid of being judged that I shy away from them.
Hell- I don't even have the friends I used to have. I suppose this has to do with growing up. You grow apart from people. I just haven't managed to replace them with new ones. LOL

I know its all because I'm so insecure and i just don't put myself out there any more.

I fear that my fear of people may be irreversible. I hope that's not true. I hope that once I FINALLY get this weight down that the old me will start to shine through again! I miss being genuinely happy and silly and out going like i once was. Now I hate walking across a crowded restaurant to find the bathroom for fear that people are looking at me and judging.
God. Don't let me stay like that. I used to just skip across rooms...i didn't care and i never even THOUGHT of other ppl around me looking at me. I mean.. i did.. in high school.. every one did.. but it didn't debilitate me like it does now.
I mean- I fake it well.. I'm not agoraphobic or anything like that.I'll walk across that room. But I'm completely uncomfortable the entire time.

It all just pretty much sucks.
And THIS is why  I want to lose this weight  I am GOING TO Lose this weight. I'm sick of feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin. I want to go back to being that care free happy girl who talked to anyone and everyone that crossed her path and never turned down an invite somewhere.

Anyway. I'm working on it. If you've gotten this far THANK YOU for reading, I know it was a lot.

Today went well.
Had Pancakes for Breakfast with a cold glass of skim milk.
That was a late breakfast- like 11:30. So I didn't eat anything else until dinner around 5:30 or so.
We had Pork chops, Green beans, and some au grautin potatoes. I didn't go overboard on any of it and only had one helping of everything.

Gym time was pretty awesome. I did 20 minutes = 1 mile and 215 calories burned
Then I did 25 Mins on the Elliptical = just over 2 miles and 370 cals burned.

Total : 45 minutes, 3 miles and 585 calories burned.
I also drank all my water today!

I will have a loss on Monday.

Anyhoo- Thank you so much for reading. I really appreciate anyone who took the time to read this whole thing!